Torment, Or Be Tormented? Something To Consider…
How to survive trauma
The trauma of my COVID experience should have left me in pieces. Am I resilient, or am I a freak? Not until walking through fire unburned did I pause to consider how someone with such resilience could be so unsure of himself. It wasn’t until six months later that a triggering experience led to the recognition I had been abused by staff, something I had not previously understood.
Secrets cover up trauma, hide weakness. That is why we don’t talk about them. It is not the secret, it is the trauma we will need to deal with upon the discovery of our secrets. So we carry them with us, not knowing what we want to do, not wanting to do what we know we should. I know what I need to do. Today, l will reveal my secret. Because it’s not the secret, it’s the damage, it's the trauma.
Realization turned revelation; my previous life may have been traumatizing, but that shouldn’t be a surprise. Lots of things are traumatizing as a child. It seems to be one of the ways in which we grow. Right? Very early on; we become proficient at avoiding or denying what is uncomfortable, seeking solutions that will provide comfort in place of what we feel deprived of in the moment.
The truth is; trauma is one of our primary motivators. But the motivation of others through consistent traumatization leaves them damaged, requiring them to perpetually compare the cost of collateral torment to the positive reward of getting what they actually want. If the collateral torment becomes too great, they are likely to give-in, convinced in the moment that avoiding torment is what they really wanted; denial.
Life is more dangerous for someone who is unable to determine what “they” really want. Are they getting what they want by avoiding torment? Perhaps, in the moment. But when that response continues to prevail through denial, abnormal behavior is normalized through desensitization, unrecognized by virtue of its familiarity. Denial helps torment become a way of life.
I get a kick out of watching overbearingly manipulative parents become angry when their child is manipulated by someone else; angered by watching their child behave in a way they, the parent, have conditioned them to. The concept that a manipulator could believe they have cornered the market on narcissism begs the question of who is more damaged: The tormentor, or the tormented?
Often, the controller is a graduate of the school of torment, learning to manipulate out of necessity; learning to control their environment through the manipulation of others who will help to hide weaknesses that could otherwise be weaponized against them. Most often, they have come to understand through their own irrational fears, how powerful the tool of fear can be, in-turn weaponizing that information against others… out of fear. They become proficient at avoiding or denying what is uncomfortable, seeking solutions that will provide comfort in place of what they feel deprived of in the moment, motivating others through fear in order to avoid what they themselves are afraid of—denying the consequences of the collateral damage inflicted.
Maybe my fear of staff had emboldened them to tie me down, leaving me vulnerable to the torment of Ronnie and the others. My fear response to their bullying left them with a sense of power. Their personal anxiety micro triggered from events they were unable to connect within, may have left the staff weary of the consequences of letting me loose. By no stretch was their behavior acceptable, and it never will be. My family was ready, willing, and able to assist at every moment but were treated with disregard. Still, I was here, and I would not be broken. They had no reason to torment me further. They would not receive my cooperation if they did. Turning my head away from the light, I fell asleep. Ronnie never bullied me again.
So maybe it is true. Maybe I am a freak. Recognizing my own denial as an avoidance response now leaves me sitting on the fence. Choosing civil disobedience left both tormentor and the perpetually tormented confused how to respond. For me, understanding both behaviors allowed the choice of non-compliance without betrayal of the person I am, without carrying the emotional scar of being either tormentor or tormented.